It appears that at least for the moment I can not escape ghosts. Do you see your own ghosts? I was at Jason's Deli the other night picking up dinner. I have been feeling guilty over not giving the kids homecooked meals, Jason's is close to homecooked I believe. I stood there by the cashier waiting and I looked over and there they were. My ghosts. I saw Eric sitting at the table eating gumbo, (this Eric ghost was well into illness and could barely eat). I saw two of the kids pushing another table to ours to accomidate all of us. I saw my little boy filling his drink cup with six different sodas. And I saw me. Happily fussing with the baby trying to get her chubby little legs to go through the insanely small holes of the highchair.
I saw.
My response to the apparition? I burst into tears. The man behind the counter looked at me oddly, but I knew no one would dare ask me if I was okay. A woman crying in public is a sure way to be left alone. I grabbed the food and took a quick glance at the ghosts, they were still there and paid no attention to me at all. I had a good carthatic cry the entire way home and then fed the children. We don't go to Jason's Deli anymore, we only get takeout. Now I know why. Too many ghosts. I try to avoid them when I can, and I am afraid of leaving them at the same time. My ghosts bind me emotionally and geographically.
You need to rethink that quote. Yes, I do believe it is better to have loved and lost...blah blah blah.
But loving is easy. The tricky part is finding someone to let you love them the way you want, and loving them all the more for it.
Ugh, all this talk of love and ghosts, I fear I am living in a Bronte sisters novel.
Maybe love IS a battlefield.
N, I really don't mean to make light of this, it is just at the moment I am sick of myself.
