My Dearest Friend,
I have little doubt that you will read this, as we have seemed to have abandoned this "project" long ago. I have talked to you frequently, as you know, in my dreams, but in waking life I have been ghostly.
Yes, there is someone new in my life. And each hour that I do not talk to him I spend talking myself out of him. It has made me realize that I have become the ghost in life since Eric died. I am the one who hides in the shadows and stays at arms length from anyone I could possibly touch or touch me.
I took this as a sense of pride really. I concentrate on a few close loved ones and the rest are superfluous. As long as I do not need anyone in my life, I am safe. I am invisible.
And now. And now. Now I am being tested and it angers me. I am not sure if what I feel is even real. Maybe I just want to feel again so I am letting him in. I do not know.
My safety net has holes in it, my logic has flaws, and I feel as if I am in between the living and the dead.
So many of the people I have loved are gone. And I just want to be a ghost with them. There is no room in my living life because I carry and walk with the dead. But they are the cherished ones. I am reluctant to let them go. I am afraid. I will be alone if I let them go. Or I will open myself up to heartache again.
A friend praised me recently for being open to love again. I took the compliment, odd as it was. I love the intangible, that has never stopped for me. But I have not permitted myself to love another person.
it is easy to feign light heartedness and folly. That makes people feel like everything is okay. They do not need to worry about you, and thus, I am left alone with the dead, where I prefer to be.
Do I love this new man, or do I love the idea of loving again?
I am having a hard time moving my feet off this proverbial bridge and just jumping. The last time I jumped, the ride was glorious and the fall more painful then I ever knew.
yours,
G.
